30 questions you can ask on a date if you have no idea what to ask

When I go on a first, second, or third date with someone, it’s because something about them has intrigued me, so I’m interested in finding out more about them, and in discovering whether we might be compatible for a relationship, a situationship, a copulationship, or anything in between.

This is why it’s utterly bizarre to me that over the course of my adult life, I’ve been on several dates with several men (and yes, it was always and only men) who asked me literally zero questions the entire time.

You could call this behavior rude, you could call it self-absorbed, and in plenty of cases you would be right about that. But I also think there are some cases where the person isn’t trying to be an egomaniacal convo-killing dick, per se; they just don’t have the interpersonal skill or experience to know how to further a conversation. Or they get nervous and clam up in the moment, leaving their conversation partner to do all the heavy lifting (which, let’s face it, is not most people’s idea of a fun date; it’s certainly not mine, as a journalist who literally interviews people for work, and therefore would rather not do it off the clock too).

When someone asks me zero questions on a date, it doesn’t just frazzle my nervous system with the constant stress of having to run a whole conversation myself, and it doesn’t just make me assume my date finds me utterly boring and unappealing – it also makes it near-impossible for me to muster even a scrap of sexual attraction for them. How can I even contemplate relaxing into sexy pleasurable feelings with you, and trusting you with that vulnerability, if I don’t believe that you know me, like me, and want me – at least a little? And if you never ask me questions, I never feel known, I never feel liked, and I never feel wanted – so I never feel turned on, desirous, or even flirty, either. Why would I? To want sex with someone would require me to believe that sex with them could be good, and if someone’s shown no interest in my inner experience at all, I have no reason to think they’d care about my pleasure. That would require caring about what I think, and asking me questions… something you can prove your ability to do by simply doing it, starting long before any clothes come off. 🥵