What’s more intimate than sex? Well, depending on who you are and what feels intimate to you, maybe nothing. I don’t feel that way about it, though – at least not right now.
I’m thinking a lot lately about the role of sex in my life, as I toy with the idea that I might be more asexual than I’d previously realized. (More on that in the coming weeks, I would imagine, as I re-read my favorite asexuality resources and ponder my entire sexual history through this new lens. Sigh. Being a sex nerd is a tough gig, but somebody’s gotta do it!)
One thing I’ve realized is that I’ve often used sex as a way to try to feel closer to someone – but it doesn’t always have the intended effect, at least not for me. In fact, sometimes if I rush into sex with a new person, I start dissociating and internally panicking pretty much immediately, which is the opposite of intimacy: being trapped inside my own head, seemingly unable to communicate with the other person about how I feel and what I need. No wonder I walked away from so many sexual encounters in my twenties feeling like I’d widened the gulf between me and another human, rather than bridging that gap with touch and closeness and pleasure.
The ‘solution’ to this problem, to the extent that there is one, is threefold: I have to 1) be choosier and slower about starting new sexual entanglements (check!) and 2) work on my in-the-moment communication when I start to get anxious or feel triggered (difficult, but usually doable). The third thing, though, is not directly sex-related: I have to 3) identify what actually does make me feel closer to someone, and do more of those things, with people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy and kind. That seems to create a firmer foundation from which my attraction and desire can more safely develop (if they’re going to), like a seed safely situated in a well-tended little pot of soil.