A no-strings-attached cunnilingus hookup with a much older man, part 1

I have a long and storied history with nonreciprocal cunnilingus. My first-ever sexual partner, nearly two decades ago (oof!), was a friend-with-benefits who adored going down on me; she could even reach orgasm from doing it. I suppose, in that sense, the term “nonreciprocal” may not be exactly right: we both enjoyed it, both craved it when we were apart, both got sweaty and glowy and starry-eyed from the pleasure of it. Sex can be magic like that.

As both an act and a fantasy, unreciprocated oral clearly does something for me – I’ve pursued it as both a giver and a receiver at various times in my life. As a socially anxious person who often feels like she’s “doing things wrong,” I think I find it comforting to know exactly what my role is. By contrast, in a “normal,” reciprocal sexual encounter, roles may shift fluidly over the course of a session – and sometimes it stresses me out to try to intuit when those shifts are “supposed to” happen, especially with partners I don’t know very well. (I know, I know, sex is a story we write together and not a script we have to follow – but try telling that to my trauma-brain when I freeze up with anxiety mid-bang!)

For this reason, there’s something soothing about an encounter where I’m either only receiving or only giving – where that is the explicit agreement, the thing we both want. It’s also weirdly nostalgic for me, hearkening back to those early days of my sex life, when the best way to satisfy my then-partner was to lie back and let her lick me.

It makes sense, then, that I’ve been fascinated by the /r/RandomActsOfMuffDive subreddit for at least a year (as regular readers of this newsletter are already aware!). It’s a forum created with the aim of “matching mouths with pussies” – cunnilingus connoisseurs gather there to seek out willing partners for no-strings-attached oral.