A few recent headlines from my inbox: “A gynecologist’s advice on the midlife intimacy conversation men aren’t having.” “Airplanes are the most unusual location for intimacy.” “Vaginal dryness makes intimacy uncomfortable. Try this new intimacy oil.” “The ‘everything shower’ is becoming a pre-intimacy ritual.” “Interested in reviewing the first smart intimacy wearable?”

What all these examples have in common is that they say “intimacy” when they mean “sex.” I’m sure that in many cases, this euphemistic usage is meant to keep their emails out of spam folders, since sexual keywords are unfortunately often used to filter for such things. But I’ve noticed this verbal bad habit spreading into the “real world” as well, and I want to explain why it bugs me, and why it might actually harm your sex life to speak euphemistically in this way.

First off, to state the obvious: sex and intimacy are two different concepts, so it makes sense to use two different words for them. Sex is a physical act which can be emotionally intimate; intimacy is a relational quality which can be expressed through sex, but isn’t always. You can have sex with people you’re not emotionally intimate with (as I did throughout much of my twenties!), and you can be intimate with people you’re not having sex with (as in friendships, family relationships, will-they-won’t-they connections that never quite progress to sex, etc.). Specific language is helpful when trying to diagnose and treat a problem, so (for instance) if you tell your sex therapist – or your partner, for that matter – that you’re not getting enough intimacy in your relationship, they’re going to need to drill down a few layers to figure out what you mean. So just say what you mean.

Being specific in this way isn’t just beneficial for people you’re talking to, though – it’s beneficial for you. Every time you sidestep a word like “sex” in favor of a softer, less precise term like “intimacy” (or “bedroom activities,” or “hanky-panky,” or whatever the fuck), you are denying yourself an opportunity to actively practice the unlearning of sexual shame. Sex educators commonly say that if you don’t feel ready to talk about sex with somebody, you probably aren’t ready to have sex with that person, since communication (or at least the ability to communicate when needed) is a requirement of good, mutually satisfying, emotionally safe sex, and I agree. If you find yourself so overcome with sexual shame that you can’t even use the word “sex,” something is not right, either in your personal view of sexuality or in your relationship – and whatever that issue is, I think it needs to be addressed before you’ll be able to have good sex. It’s hard to stay in the moment and enjoy yourself during an activity you believe is literally unspeakable.