Spring makes me into a flirt-monster. The season itself feels flirty – green grass and colorful flowers finally giving you a peek at them after hiding under snow all winter. The sun popping its head out from behind a cloud to say hello. It’s enough to make a girl want to send some truly ill-advised DMs.
And that’s usually what I did, in springs of yore. Hopped on Tinder and swiped for hours, assessing prospects. Flaunted my tattoos and cleavage on bar patios. Posted selfies galore with kiss-face emoji captions.
This year, it feels like I’m flirting with myself. And it’s kind of fantastic.
I’ve been on a self-love journey of sorts since I was 15 years old, when I discovered the work of a writer named Gala Darling who was advocating for a concept she called “radical self-love.” There were many aspects to this project for her, but one of the main things I took away from it was the idea of “romancing yourself” – literally treating yourself like you’d treat a new romantic prospect you were courting. Going on solo dates anywhere you wanted. Buying yourself jewels and desserts. Seeking out every opportunity to delight yourself or make yourself giggle. And let’s not forget masturbating to your heart’s content, with the best toys/lubes/porn/erotica you can get your hands on.
This was genuinely a revolutionary concept to me, as someone who’d spent years longing to be properly romanced by someone adorable. (Middle school- and high school-aged boys aren’t exactly known for their romantic charm, to say the least, and I didn’t yet know I was bisexual.) I remember walking around in a dazzled daze for weeks on end after first encountering this material, giggling at everything and buying myself flowers and putting together bright-colored outfits just for the hell of it. It felt as if a whole new world had opened up to me, and the world was my own heart, my own love, my fundamental happiness.
The realities of adult life (and trauma/mental illness) wore down my sparkle to some extent over the years, but every spring, it feels renewed somehow. It’s as though I remember how to breathe – chiefly by remembering that I can, and do, love myself, and that I can, and should, show that love in every way I know how.
So here’s a little guide to flirting with yourself, revving up the self-love magic within you, making yourself feel the way you wish that cutie from Tinder would. In my experience, the more of these feelings I can generate for myself, the more I tend to attract them from other sources as well – but that’s only ever a secondary goal at best.
Figure out what you love doing alone and do more of it. A lot of people struggle to enjoy their own company, for a variety of reasons – perhaps you get lonely, maybe you feel understimulated when there’s no one else around, maybe you judge yourself for being alone, maybe solitude leaves you feeling trapped with your own intrusive thoughts, etc. That’s okay; I’ve been there. But put some thought into what you do find fun to do alone, and spend more time doing it, because you deserve it.
For instance, sometimes there are offbeat movies or theatrical productions that almost no one in my life would want to go see with me; I love going to those alone and having my own unique experience of them, without needing to worry about whether someone else is having a good time. I also love writing songs alone (actually I find it almost impossible to do around other people), reading alone, and listening to podcasts while walking through the city alone. Find your favorite solo hobbies and prioritize them!
Consume media that makes you blush, laugh, and feel sexy. I think most of us would love to feel that flirty, fizzy, dizzy, dazzled feeling more often than we currently do, and I say that as someone who does experience a lot of that feeling on a daily basis in my relationship (I am wildly #blessed). It’s just a super restorative and life-affirming emotion for many of us, regardless of how often you’re currently experiencing it.
But the trick is that you don’t have to wait around for someone else to give you that feeling, as much as it might seem that way sometimes. Media and art are a blessing in that (among many other reasons) they enable you to put yourself into a character’s shoes, experience what that character is going through. It’s one of the reason rom-coms and romance novels are so popular, not to mention erotic thrillers, superhero movies, and (yes) porn.
I’ve certainly had moments where I judged myself for using media in this way. “Shouldn’t you be out meeting real people,” I wondered, “rather than obsessing over fictional ones?” And certainly it’s possible to take this tendency too far, living your life with your head in a book (or in a browser). But I’ve truly found it to be the case that experiencing these emotions through media inspires and invites me to seek them out more in my real life too, and also makes me seem more relaxed and interesting to those around me.
Make stuff. As I’ve written here before, really the only thing I enjoy more than making conversation with someone charming and cute is making art/media. Creativity is also an absolute cornerstone of my self-love practice because I have such respect for creators that I can’t help but like myself more when I make something I’m proud of. It generates literal self-esteem – esteem for myself, fondness for myself, respect for myself.
If you want a quick hit of creation-based dopamine, make something that’ll have a built-in audience online who will leave you adoring comments with relatively little effort on your part; fanfiction for a much-loved fandom is my fave example of this lately, but sexy selfies, cover versions of well-known songs, and super-shareable social media posts are some other examples.
But for a deeper sense of artistic self-love, make the art you want to make, the art you wish had existed when you needed it, the art that lights your heart up. Put time and craft into it; enjoy the process, not just the product. Try new art forms you’ve never really considered before, especially stuff you can do with your hands. Push yourself and inspire yourself. I’ve never found a high quite like it, and I say that as someone who has done plenty of drugs and been on plenty of dates.
Broaden your definition of masturbation. There are other ways to give yourself erotic joy beyond just stimulating your genitals to the point of orgasm. I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s obviously fantastic too (if you’re into it), but there’s so much more to self-pleasure than just that.
My libido has shifted a lot over the years, becoming somewhat lower but, even more than that, becoming more spread out to encompass areas beyond my junk. Sometimes I feel sexually satiated by reading really good flirty erotica for an hour. Sometimes I just want to grab a super-powerful massager and hold it against the tense points on my shoulders and neck until I moan. Sometimes it’s ecstatic to vape some weed and lie in bed listening to orchestral music while blazed out of my mind.
The more you can expand your definition of pleasure and remain open to non-traditional pleasures, the more pleasure you will get to experience. And I think that’s pretty fucking awesome.
Happy spring! I adore you 💖