I can hardly believe it, but it’s true: As of this month, I’ve been a practicing polyamorist for an entire decade.

On July 1st, 2016, I wrote in my journal, “I’m nervous about eventually having the non-monogamy talk with [new guy I’m seeing]. I’m at a point where I just have zero interest in being monogamous to anyone – I need my independence and my autonomy, and the sexual component of those things is very important to me too. I know it’s a tall order but I just don’t want to ever be chained to only one person again.” A few days later, in one fateful phone call, that guy told me he wanted to be my boyfriend – and that he wanted to be poly. I was over the moon that we both wanted it, and just like that, I was in my first polyamorous relationship.

That connection didn’t last long, due mostly to my own rookie mistakes in this realm; I mistook his non-monogamy for casualness, and was too cavalier with his feelings, overcorrecting as I leaned away from the insular monogamy I was used to. But that relationship launched me into a whole new world, one I still inhabit today.

At this point, I have no desire to proselytize, so this piece isn’t meant to recruit you to the cause – some people genuinely find that monogamy is more in line with their desires and values, and I respect that! But for those of you who are non-monogamously inclined, and especially for those who are early on in that journey, I want to share 10 pieces of advice that have benefited me enormously in my decade of polyamorous hijinks. I hope they help you!

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