I'm scared of antidepressants, even though they might save my life

Heads up: this essay references suicidal ideation as part of depression.

I find myself at a crossroads. Should I pursue happiness, or should I pursue sex?

The past year has been one of the worst of my life for my mental health, for mysterious neurochemical reasons. My depression has been crushing, my anxiety has gone haywire, and I’ve spent many days too dysfunctional to even get out of bed. I started on Wellbutrin last November, and while it initially lifted my mood (and my libido), I’m no longer convinced it’s doing much of anything. The tears and fears remain. I often want to die, or at least don’t feel strongly that I should continue to live.