What’s hotter to you: sex that’s pre-scheduled, or sex that happens spontaneously?
I think most people would immediately and enthusiastically say the latter. Spontaneous sex is constantly held up as the gold standard of hot sex, and I can understand why: It’s thrilling to imagine that someone’s desire for you could be so intense, so unbridled, that they (consensually) “just gotta have you.” And likewise, it can be delicious to experience that urgent desire yourself – to cast aside the respectability of everyday life and let yourself be swept away.
I myself used to prefer sex of the spontaneous variety, so I get it. But scheduled sex actually has a lot of merit, I’ve learned – and for some people, it might be the solution to a stagnating sex life.
It’s important to note, first of all, that not everyone even experiences spontaneous sexual desire. As sexologist Emily Nagoski points out in her groundbreaking book Come As You Are (which all sexually active adults should read, and I don’t say that lightly), some people’s desire is of the responsive variety, meaning that they don’t randomly get turned on out of the blue – something has to happen to turn them on, whether that’s watching porn, deliberately pondering a hot fantasy, making out with their partner, or whatever else.