When you first enter the world of consensual non-monogamy, a maelstrom of emotions often accompanies the change. You might feel confused about the new social rules you’re operating under, nervous about joining a whole new dating scene, and simultaneously thrilled and overwhelmed by the colossal freedom you now face.
And if you have a partner, you might watch them going on their first few dates outside the relationship, and notice yourself feeling jealousy. Or envy. Or both. And that might hurt a hell of a lot.
It was the sex educator Reid Mihalko who first taught me the difference between jealousy and envy. I attended his 8-Armed Octopus of Jealousy workshop at age 25, as a desperate attempt to combat the constant jealousy I faced in my relationship at the time. I sat near the back, shameful tears sliding silently down my face, as I took notes on emotional self-regulation and common triggers. Reid explained that for some people, jealousy was less about being upset that someone else “gets to have” your partner, but rather, it could be about wanting what your partner has, which is slightly different from jealousy: it’s envy.
Jealousy proper was definitely my main issue at that time; I would dissolve into a hysterical heap of self-hatred whenever my then-partner went on a date with someone else, because on some level I wanted him to want me and only me, and my safety felt threatened whenever that proved not to be the case.