I used to cap off every year by making grand, ambitious lists of sexual goals for the year to come. Try a new kink, date a new person, acquire a new sex toy, that sort of thing. If I was like a kid in a candy shop back then, now I’m more like a gourmet candy connoisseur, each consumption decision careful and considered – which isn’t necessarily an upgrade, given that the kid is probably having more fun (albeit accompanied by more stomachaches). Ah, such is life.
My one major sex goal for 2020, by comparison, sounds simple but is deceptively complex. It’s to learn to orgasm in a way that is new to me.
This exact desire is a frequent subject of discussion on sex-related forums and threads. Mostly it’s brought up by people with vulvas who want to learn to have vaginal orgasms – a statistical rarity and, some people say, maybe even a myth. These folks want to bend their bodies’ capabilities through sheer willpower, usually in order to please their partners and perhaps smooth over some sex-fuelled relationship tensions. I understand their reasoning, but I am no longer interested in chasing impossible goals solely so I can be “normal” by standards I don’t even believe in. Fuck that patriarchal cissexist heterocentric noise.
No, when I say I want to teach my body a new kind of orgasm, that’s a goal borne of my own pursuit of pleasure. As I’ve careened further down the asexuality spectrum, I’ve started to find that sometimes my genitals just don’t want to be touched – which would have been pretty unthinkable to me even a few years ago. Often I still want intimacy in those moments, and maybe even pleasure, but my junk is just… checked out. Not interested. Incapable of giving a fuck (so to speak). Hence my increased interest in alternative avenues of pleasure.