Hi folks! In early 2020, the editor-in-chief of a major conservative Canadian newspaper reached out to me to say he admired my work and that his paper was trying to bring in more young readers, so he was wondering if I’d like to start writing a sex column for them. I was confused – it’s a seriously conservative publication! – but readily agreed to write the first column he suggested I write, which was about what to do when your partner discloses they have a spanking kink. However, after I had already written and filed it, I found out that said editor-in-chief had left his position, and I got bounced around between a bunch of different editors, all of whom must not have shared his belief that this right-wing newspaper needed a sex column. So, instead, I’ll share it with you all today. It was, to say the least, a fun challenge trying to condense all the crucial 101-level info about this kink into a short print column, especially knowing that many of the folks reading it could be anti-kink (or, for that matter, homophobic or misogynistic). Yikes. Hope you enjoy!
Has your partner expressed an interest in being spanked? While this kink might seem unusual, it’s actually one of the more common ones: a 2015 study found that 33.1% of Canadians have fantasized about spanking or whipping someone for sexual pleasure, while 32.6% have fantasized about being spanked or whipped. So there’s a 1-in-3 chance anyone you meet could have this proclivity – and your partner might well be one of them. Exciting!
Incase you missed the memo on kink, here’s a primer: while a lot of pursuits that fall under the BDSM umbrella (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism) may appear scary from the outside, they can also be (and should always be) 100% consensual. Just as non-consensual sex is rape, non-consensual BDSM is abuse – but that doesn’t mean that the enthusiastically-desired version of either activity is inherently wrong or harmful. Sexual masochism, among other fetishes, was once widely considered a mental disorder – but so was homosexuality, for instance, and we now know it’s a perfectly valid sexual orientation.
The first question you should ask your partner is what turns them on about spanking, so you can understand the inner workings of their kinky mind. Do they find pain pleasurable? Do they like the idea of being submissive? Are they more interested in a ruthless disciplinarian vibe, or a nurturing, almost parental dynamic? Ask if they’d be willing to show you some spanking-themed porn clips or erotica stories that turn them on, so you can get a sense of their specific fantasies – or they can just tell you about the imagined scenarios they find hottest!
Next, establish communication tools you can use during a spanking. This is especially important because pain can make someone incoherent or uncommunicative – as anyone who’s ever been struck speechless by stubbing their toe can attest. Kinky people like to use what’s called a safeword to call an end to the action, but “Stop!” and “Slow down!” also work.
Consider using a verbal pain scale during spankings, where “1” barely hurts and “10” is the worst pain ever. This is useful for finding out quickly that, for example, you’re hitting your partner at a 3 and they want a 7 – or vice-versa. Generally you’ll want to start with gentle hits and work your way up from there.
Spanking aficionados differentiate between hits that are “stingy” – surface-level and sharp, like a slap – versus “thuddy” – deep and resonant, like a punch. Many people have a preference one way or the other; you can experiment to see what your partner likes best. Hands function just fine as spanking tools, but you can also pick up a paddle or crop at a local sex shop – or just repurpose a wooden spoon or other kitchen tool, provided you can find one with no sharp edges!
Lastly: BDSM encounters usually end with “aftercare,” a process of resetting your brains and bodies back to normal after kinky play. Yours might involve cuddling, snacks, water, conversation, or whatever else works for you – but don’t skip it, because re-entering the “real world” after a spanking can be disorienting without some kind of intermediary step.
Now that you’re armed with all this spanking knowledge, maybe tonight’s the night to ask if your partner would like to lie across your lap and see where things go!