(If you want to listen to me reading this piece aloud, the link is below for premium subscribers!)
The first time my now-spouse and I kissed, it felt like a scene from a movie. Like a capital-M Moment. Like it should’ve been soundtracked by a swell of sentimental strings, warbling with wonder.
Notably, it didn’t feel like the end of the movie. It felt like a moment near the beginning, when everything clicks into place, black and white becomes technicolor, and the protagonist’s life truly begins.
(Click to listen to me reading this essay aloud!)
In some ways, I wish all my first kisses felt that way: tremendous, dreamy, and indelible. But I also know that the rarity of these experiences is what makes them so lovely and so worth savoring. As Sondheim put it, “If life were only ‘moments,’ then you’d never know you had one.” All my sloppy drunk late-night first kisses with people who barely knew my name, all my milquetoast “meh” first kisses that left me indifferent – I don’t regret them, not exactly, because they make the most meaningful experiences stand apart from the rest.
It was a TV show that got me thinking about this. (I know, what else is new, right?!) In an early episode of the new romantic comedy series Nobody Wants This, Joanne (Kristen Bell) and Noah (Adam Brody) are strolling down the street together, eating ice cream, at the end of a (supposedly) casual friend hangout. As they’re dawdling on the sidewalk, waiting for their Ubers, Joanne broaches the subject of kissing, and…
Noah: Yeah, I’m very aware we haven’t kissed yet.
Joanne: Yet?
N: Yeah.
J: But we’re just friends.
N: Sure. And friends don’t kiss, which is why, you know, I’m aware we haven’t.
J: But what if we had, just, like, one goodbye kiss?
N: Hmm. [pauses to look her up and down] Hand me your ice cream. [takes her empty cone and throws it away] Put your bag down.
Needless to say, she puts her bag down.
And then he approaches her, slowly, for a deep, long kiss.
I was struck, in watching this scene, by how Noah seems to be constructing the perfect moment. It’s as if he knows – as if he has decided – that this is a person he hopes to be with for a long time, and so the first kiss matters. It’ll be a story they’ll tell to their friends in gossipy tones over drinks this week, and to others throughout their lives for possibly decades to come. It has to be right. It has to be a Moment.
The psychotherapist Jessica Fern writes in Polywise that the beginning of a relationship, its so-called honeymoon phase, “is directly related to the creation of the necessary emotional bond that will allow a relationship to deal with the challenges that inevitably arise down the road.” Along similar lines, I believe that these crystallized memories of an initial romance – first kiss, first date, first time having sex, etc. – can continue to color our perception of the relationship, even as honeymoon mushiness solidifies into something more durable but less shiny. You might be more inclined to work through relationship conflicts together if you hold those rosy memories in your mind – which could be a bad thing, if it distracts you from legitimate issues in the relationship, but could also be a very good thing, if it keeps you committed to a connection you value.
Given all this, it makes sense that a thoughtful character like Noah would want to put a pretty frame around his first kiss with a woman he’s really into. Hell, it makes sense that anyone would want their next first kiss to be cinematic and dramatic, especially since many of us were raised on media that emphasizes the importance of that moment.
But. But.
I also think that a first kiss does not have to set the tone for an entire relationship – and that a kiss can be plenty romantic and meaningful without looking like anything you’ve seen in the movies.
My first first kiss, way back in high school, was preceded by us accidentally bumping foreheads, and then bumping noses, before managing to make lip contact. That shit’s not cinematic at all, but it was giggly and cute and I still remember it well enough to relay it to you now, 17 years later. It was a Moment, even if it wasn’t a Movie Moment.
Sometimes first kisses happen through a haze of liquid courage. Sometimes they’re impulsive, unexpected, almost jarring. Sometimes the memory dissipates immediately in a cloud of nervous adrenaline. Not every first kiss has marvelous magic woven into the very threads of its recollection. A relationship is characterized by the net total of what occurs in that relationship, not by arbitrary benchmarks like being married, living together, or (yep) having had a “perfect” first kiss.
Because, after all, there is no such thing as perfection, in a kiss or in anything else. And even in that goosebumps-inducing first kiss with my now-spouse, the one that felt like the end of one chapter and the start of another, there were flaws: the buzzing of construction just outside the lockless door, the time constraints, the knowledge that (at that time) we both weren’t really sure if we had room for each other in our lives, or if we were even on a date at all.
But it was exactly the kiss I wanted, and it was the kiss that led me here, so I think I’d love it no matter how cinematic it looked – whether it was underscored by beautiful strings music, or just the relentless blare of the city beyond that quiet little room where she pulled me close and changed my whole goddamn life.
Elsewhere:
• Holy shit, my podcast miniseries Making Magic has been nominated for a Signal Award!! I can’t believe it. I’d really appreciate you voting for me – it just takes a few seconds. Thaaaanks, babes! 🥰
• I wrote a blog post detailing a bunch of outfits I wore and things I did during my recent trip to Berlin. What does a queer femme wear for an 8-hour flight, a trip to the Gay Museum, or a rope bondage workshop? Click through to find out…!
• Lately I’ve been worried about a bunch of people I love who are going through hard stuff, so I wrote a new song about that feeling. (Gotta love a whistle solo!)
• Recently, my Dildorks cohost Billy and I interviewed Mx. Nillin Lore about their new book on trans sexuality, How Do I Sexy? Billy and I also talked about sadists/sadism in this week’s episode, and last week’s was a convo between Billy and his partner Dee about cannibalism kink.
• I reviewed a $32 wand vibrator, if you’re into that.
• Really enjoyed this thoughtful conversation between Ta-Nehisi Coates and Jon Stewart about, among other things, the Israel/Palestine conflict.
• I was so sad to hear about the death of musical theatre star Gavin Creel this week. Here’s him as Cinderella’s Prince in my favorite musical of all time, Into the Woods. (His Cinderella was Phillipa Soo, of Hamilton fame – she does a stunning rendition of “On the Steps of the Palace”… Can you tell I read a book about Sondheim recently and am extra obsessed right now?!)