I don’t think I had heard the phrase “gender euphoria” when I was 15, in 2007, and I certainly hadn’t applied it to myself. But my first conscious experience of this type of euphoria was at a queer-straight alliance meeting.
The author S. Bear Bergman was reading aloud from his then-new book Butch is a Noun, and during a passage about femmes, something clicked for me. I understood that there was a sacred lineage of butch-and-femme as a duality and a spectrum, and I understood that I was a femme myself. I understood that my femmeness was beautiful, and queer, and desirable (at least for some people). I felt the “aha!” of alignment between how I saw myself and how the world seemed to see me. I felt gender euphoria.
Trans friends of mine, like Billy Lore, would teach me more and more about this concept over the years that followed, including that cis people can feel it at all. In fact, cis people’s gender euphoria-versus-dysphoria (to the extent that we feel it) is seen as such a pressing and valid issue that it’s much easier for cis people to access treatments that may help bring their bodies into that euphoric alignment, such as when cis women are prescribed estrogen to address coarser facial hair they may notice after menopause, or when cis men are prescribed testosterone because their dwindling sex drive is making them feel “like less of a man.” It’s infuriating and unfair that many, many trans people can’t access these same treatments because their fight against dysphoria (and quest toward euphoria) is pathologized and politicized in a way that cis people’s usually is not, even though, for trans people, it’s much likelier to be a life-or-death issue. (Orgs like the ACLU are fighting for better trans healthcare access, among other things.)
I’m thinking about this lately, because my internal sense of my own gender has shifted somewhat in recent years. I’m still very much a cis woman and a queer femme – but lately, when I see old photos of myself in hyperfemme ‘50s-pinup drag or what-have-you, it feels like just that: drag. When I wear outfits that feel too delicately, sweetly feminine, I feel boxed in now, rather than right at home, the way I used to. I find myself counterbalancing femme outfits with a beanie, sneakers, or a boxy leather jacket.
But likewise, I can’t lean too far toward masc, or I’ll fall right out of my window of (gender) tolerance. My haircut is shorter and gayer than it’s ever been, so it’s easier than ever for me to fall into mega-masc land (by my standards, anyway) without meaning to. A recent outfit of mine, for instance, featured all of the aforementioned masc-leaning accessories (beanie, sneakers, leather jacket), plus jeans and a T-shirt and no makeup – and I felt a bit out-of-whack the whole time I was wearing it, like people were getting the wrong idea about who I am when they looked at me.
It’s only through deep conversations about gender with my trans and nonbinary friends and partners, past and present, that I’ve come to be so aware of the nuances of these feelings. With their thoughtfulness about gender, trans folks have taught me to listen to my truest internal sense of gender like it’s a tuning fork, ringing out at the correct frequency, so I can try to match it with my outfits and makeup and shoes. It’s a direct manifestation of “following one’s bliss,” and gender-bliss puts so much joyful swagger in my step that it feels worth chasing.
My style has always had elements of androgyny in it, ever since high school – but I’ve usually felt like maybe 20% masc (if that) to 80% femme. These days, the ratio feels closer to 30/70, depending on the day. Like, when I close my eyes right now and try to tap into what would feel the best for me to wear today, what comes up is: a dress and leather Chucks, with my tattoos visible, or a plaid flannel tossed over a soft nightgown and tied at the waist, or a jumpsuit in a fun color. I feel like wearing a bold lip and cream blush, but no eye makeup. I feel like letting my hair do its own chaotic, curly thing.
I’m only able to tune into these nuances because of all the trans people I’ve been blessed to know, plus all the trans people whose work I’ve read/watched/etc. over the years. But accessing gender euphoria is a fuckin’ life hack, and I hope everyone who wants to feel it gets to do so, preferably a lot.
Elsewhere:
Speaking of fashion ’n’ stuff, I recently wrote a detailed blog post about all the outfits I wore at XOXO Fest in Portland and the sessions I saw there.
Our latest Dildorks episodes have been about animated porn, ghosting, bimbofication, and kissing, plus we celebrated our 400th episode – can you believe?!
Also, we talked a lot about the excellent movie I Saw the TV Glow in a Patreon bonus episode.
My miniseries on the Magic Wand, Making Magic, is complete! Feel free to hit ‘reply’ and tell me which episode was your favorite 😘
Yesterday I spent 9 hours producing a cover of a song I’ve been loving lately, which has some of the prettiest pop melodies I’ve heard in ages.
Go follow me on Bluesky and/or Mastodon if you’re on there! I’m still pissed that I was kicked off Instagram and Facebook last month for no reason, and would love to build up social networks elsewhere. Never let Meta win!!
I wrote a Party Down fanfic that was really just an excuse to write about improv, chronic pain, and what it’s like to flirt after an all-nighter. (Loosely based on two actual all-night-long improv marathons I attended, one in high school and one as an adult – shit got real loopy.)
A few Pokémon-related videos I’ve loved lately: David Bennett on how Bach influenced the music in the Pokémon games, MartSnack on creating a series of inputs that always beats the game no matter what, and Adef on the math behind shiny-hunting.
The brilliant Izzy did a deep-dive on dirt-eating. Really eye-opening video.
I’m loving the Harris campaign’s focus on freedom. This clip of Buttigieg on Colbert sums it up well.
A study earlier this year found that cannabis makes it easier for women to reach orgasm, even women who usually have difficulty with it. This is old news to some of us, but I’m glad they proved it…!
Ed Yong wrote a really good piece about fatigue and how most healthy people don’t really understand what it means.
Can’t stop watching Tinashe doing the choreography for “Nasty.” I took a dance class for all of ninth grade and was comically terrible at it, but stuff like this makes me want to get back into it, at least in the privacy of my own room…