There’s a Coco Chanel quote I think about all the time, because ostensibly it’s about clothes, but I also think it applies to sex:

“Etiquette are for those without manners, in the same way as fashion is for those without style.”

The way I interpret this quote (which could be wrong – wish I could ask her!) is as follows: Some people over-rely on hard-and-fast rules, like “Always send a thank-you note” or “Never wear white after Labour Day,” because they haven’t yet developed an internal, intrinsic sense of how they wish to live their life. But once you determine and establish your own “style” – clothes-wise, manners-wise, or otherwise-wise – it becomes much easier to make decisions intuitively, about matters both large and small, without needing to refer to rules that other people have decreed. Whenever you’re not sure what choice to make, you refer to your own internal “style guide” – your values – to help you decide.

I think this is very true of sex and relationships as well. The advice industry abounds for each – indeed, I am one of the cogs in that machine! – and you’ll see all sorts of rules being prescribed in those areas, such as: