One morning in my mid-twenties, I sat sipping coffee in a friend’s sunny kitchen. I had a notebook open in front of me, bearing scribbles that said things like “red lingerie?” and “spanking maybe?” We had gathered to talk about porn.

Specifically, we were there to talk about making porn. This friend was an open-minded kinky queer femme, like me, and we had signed up to do a live porn shoot together at an upcoming event hosted by some pornographer friends of mine. The shoot was to take place on the cabaret stage at our local sex club; we’d do sexy things for a raucous crowd while a photographer ran around capturing the action.

The trouble was, we didn’t know exactly what we wanted to do during the shoot, which was why we’d met to discuss it over coffee. This friend and I were both sadomasochistically switchy; over the course of our decade-long friendship, she’d fingered me in an alley, I’d flogged her in my bedroom, we’d drunkenly made out at various restaurants and bars… so, although we’d discussed the possibility of doing impact play during our photoshoot, it was unclear who’d be doing what to whom – who’d be the top and who’d be the bottom.

Tentatively, I gathered my courage during a sip of coffee and asked, “Would it be okay if I just bottomed during the shoot? I think I’m too nervous about the idea of topping in front of all those people.”