If your brain was a house, and each of your moods was its own room, which rooms would be adjacent to lust?
The sexologist Emily Nagoski poses this question in a section of her newest book, Come Together, and it's kind of blowing my mind.
She explains it better than I do, but to summarize: there are certain patterns to human emotion, patterns which can be observed in the different areas of the brain that light up while we're in different moods. Lust is one such mood, and it's one that can be tricky to get into. For instance, most people find it difficult to move into a lusty headspace directly from rage, fear, or sadness. There are other "rooms" in their emotional floorplan that they need to walk through first, in order to reach lust.
Nagoski encourages readers to draw their own floorplan, since humans are quite variable in this regard. As I began to do this, I saw that the rooms adjacent to lust for me are what Nagoski calls play, care, and seeking.
"Play" is fun, laughter, games, a jovial sense of connection. Watching improv game shows, goofy sitcoms, and Hot Ones with my partner is play. Zoning out to a Zelda game after a long work day is play. Telling my partner about the weird sex toy press releases in my inbox is play. Flirting and joking around together is play. All of these things can serve as a bridge between stress and lust, helping my body and mind release enough tension that arousal is even possible. Play makes me feel closer to my partner, too, and shows me why we're such a good match. It's a great room from which to walk into lust.
"Care" is the expression of love and affection, and the caretaking that can come along with that. Nagoski explains in the book that care isn't a direct route to lust for everyone – a new parent might need to take some time between nursing their child and feeling sexy, for instance – but I think care has often been an easy way into lust for me. This is probably a big part of why I have a DD/lg kink - for me, feeling loved, cared for, and safe is a deeply relaxing sensation that melts my stress and allows arousal to flood in.
"Seeking" could be described as curiosity, learning, adventure, and the drive toward these things. An example Nagoski gives in the book is that she finds it really arousing to talk about science with partners, because she finds intelligence sexy, and because discussing one of her favorite subjects is gratifying and fun. Some similar examples from my own life: I've sometimes noticed I feel even more attracted to my partner when we try new things together (cuisines, theatre, cities), learn new things together (from documentaries, collaborative research, etc.), or learn new things from each other (e.g. they explain an obscure bit of typeface history, or I regale them with some nerdy music theory). I think seeking is a less frequent route to lust for me than play and care, but I know a LOT of people who find it deeply exciting to share new pursuits and new knowledge with their partner(s), and maybe it's because their seeking room opens directly into lust.
I'm excited for more people to read this book because (among other reasons) I think this idea of an "emotional floorplan" is super useful for those of us who struggle with sexual desire. There can be a weird pressure – from the culture and from within yourself, if not from your partner – to be able to magically conjure up desire, because, I dunno, your partner is hot and great, why wouldn't you want to fuck them?! But in reality, there are literal neurological reasons you might have a hard time shifting from, say, the panic of doom-scrolling, or the rage of your commute, into lust. There are other steps that have to happen first, other rooms you need to move through.
Nagoski advises couples to aim for a room next to lust, not lust itself, and I think this is excellent advice. Even after a long, exhausting day for both of us, my partner and I can usually still manage to get into one of those adjacent rooms, whether by putting on a sitcom episode (play), chatting about the Wikipedia rabbit holes we've each fallen down recently (seeking), or just being there for each other emotionally as we talk about our days (care). From there, it's much, MUCH easier to stir up the desire for pleasure and connection, and the wherewithal to pursue that desire.
While I can pursue these positive moods with my partner, it's also important that I get myself into these moods on my own as much as I can. The more time I spend feeling delighted, fascinated, and safe, the likelier it is that I'll want and seek more sexual forms of pleasure, both with my partner and on my own.
But those feelings also just feel fantastic for their own sake, whether or not they "lead to anything." In a world that throws stressors at us day and night, it's harder than ever for us to unplug, unwind, and tap into these uplifting headspaces. But it's also more important than ever, because if we intend to survive long enough to fix anything, we'll need pleasure and joy in order to get there.